by Lily Waronker

If you are prescribed Oxycodone, that just means you're taking Percocet. Please don't tell people you're on "Oxy" because you're not. "Oxy" is short for "OxyContin" which has Oxycodone in it, as well as fairy dust, a touch of Jesus' blood, and a feeling that rivals birthday mornings as a child. 

But before I go on, I really really want to encourage everyone to please do heroin. You won't regret it because you'll feel that much closer to Hitler. 


by Lily Waronker

If you:

  • Make jokes about being a loser because you love pizza and your parents house jk
  • Shrink your Instagram photos so they only post horizontally 
  • Consider starting a business called Harlow and Olive
  • Have a wedding website 
  • Have a photo booth with props at your wedding
  • Post selfies on Runyon
  • Post photos of Los Angeles weather
  • Listen to Taylor Swift
  • Say "my ride or die"
  • Take molly but never ecstasy 
  • Were a colorful Mexican skull with flowers in your hair for Halloween

then I hate you